Impressive

Posted on by

pull upI’m impressed by how hard Punkie works to develop new skills.  This week, he learned how to pull himself up onto his knees.

The week before, he figured out how to put himself into a sitting position AND how to hold his own bottle

Only a short time before that, he taught himself to crawl.

I feel like he changes every day – that his progress is out of control fast.  We are just now putting up some baby gates around the house and lowering his crib mattress in case he figures out how to pull himself into a stand when I’m not there (he’s still pretty top-heavy).

I’m worried about how I’m going to keep him safe now that he can pull things off the coffee table (onto his head) . . . and I’m extremely proud of him.  He’s such an adorable work-a-holic.

Sandwich Generation?

Posted on by

This week, my mother had surgery.  The surgery itself went well, but the hospital stay has been difficult all around.  I also had a deadline over this weekend and had to work at the office quite a bit.

The most disappointing thing from my standpoint is that I saw Punkie very little this weekend.  On Saturday and Sunday both, I woke up early, went to work, went to the hospital, and ran home to nurse Punkie and put him immediately to bed.  My long-suffering husband had 99% of the responsibility this weekend for caring for the kid.  And he did a wonderful job, but I felt sad, disappointed, and guilty for not spending time with Punkie this weekend – weekends are our quality time.

But the hospital stay has been difficult.  Considering that I didn’t have Punkie until I was 40, his grandparents are older.  The stress of watching out for my mother at the hospital is wearing on my father.  I can see that he’s at his limit for stress and worry, and he’s hard on the hospital staff.  My mother is in pain – she’s not at her best and she’s also been difficult for the hospital staff.  During my visits to the hospital, I saw my sister for the first time since very shortly after Punkie was born and seeing her rekindled a lot of emotions I have around our relationship and the fact that she has shown zero interest in her only nephew, my son.

This experience has me wondering how things will evolve as my parents continue to age.  They’re not easy to help or care for to begin with, and last year they made the decision to move farther away from me and my husband (knowing that we were trying very hard to have Punkie).*

*They’ve said they want to be more involved with Punkie and watch him all day instead of sending him to daycare and, as a result, I’ve put a lot of thought into what it means to commute to their house each day.  Setting aside the fact that they won’t be able to keep up with him physically, I know I just can’t keep the schedule that would be needed to make that happen.  I would have to wake up early, care for Punkie, leave the house by 7:00, drive 40 minutes to their house, leave Punkie, drive 50 minutes to work, work a full day, leave work at 5:30-6, drive 50 minutes to their house, drive 40 minutes home.  The earliest I’d be home at night is 7:20 – I’d never have time to spend with Punkie and I would be even more exhausted.  If I had a deadline or a long day at work, I wouldn’t get home until even later.

If they needed care, we would have to care for them ourselves – I don’t think they can afford a nurse or caretaker (I know I cannot).  And that means I would have almost zero time with Punkie during the week.  If I were to go there after work, I’d leave work at 5:30 (if it’s a slow day, but I often have to leave work later), drive to their house and arrive at 6ish, and then I’d have to leave at 6:30 to be home in time to nurse Punkie.  I know they’ll expect me to keep this schedule at some point in the foreseeable future — this makes me feel (1) angry that they chose to move farther away from me, knowing they were aging and that they would have a grandchild soon, and (2) worried that I won’t be able to physically keep this schedule over time.

I would have to move them closer to me.  And that is a nightmare.  They wouldn’t do it willingly and they named my sister in their power of attorney, so I have no actual control or influence over them.  All I have is a pocket full of their expectations.

The alternative is that I disappoint them.  When push comes to shove, I wonder if I would choose Punkie over my parents.  And I wonder if I can do it all . . . I’m already exhausted.

 

First Swim

Posted on by

SwimmingWe’re on vacation this week and Punky went swimming for the first time.  He liked it!

There was a small pool specifically designated for babies, but it was cold and very shallow with sharp points on the bottom.  He didn’t care too much for this pool because, apparently, sitting in my lap was boring 🙂

Punky preferred the indoor, heated pool where he could float in his baby floatie device.  I liked it because the indoor pool gave us a break from the sun.

He splashed and puzzled at his wrinkled fingers – he was so adorable as he processed this new experience.

Sibling Bias

Posted on by

Punky is 7 months old and it is too early to start thinking about whether or not he’ll get a sibling.  I’m a sane person – I know this.  But it took us 2 years to get pregnant with Punky and I’m older now. It seems like  we have to think about this now, or, if we take our time and then decide we want another child, it just won’t be possible.

Would I be WILLING to do the early morning fertility doctor appointments and inject daily drugs for a year, while trying to work full time and take care of Punky?  The fertility doctor machine is a big commitment of time and mental focus, and I feel like I already don’t give enough of either to Punky.  I’m on vacation this week with family and I see the other examples – moms who stay at home and focus on their kids’ development and happiness.  Moms who work, but who are able to leave their kids with grandparents who focus on the kids’ development and happiness.  My kid, Punky, doesn’t have either of those things – he has day care and a mom who is exhausted.  At 7 months old, he’s started crying when I walk away from him.  I feel so much guilt for not devoting enough time to being with him because I feel like he needs more.

Would I be ABLE to raise two kids?  I know my limits and this might be one.  Let’s say I get past the daily early morning appointments and we are, by some miracle, able to have a second child – that’s less time devoted to Punky by a parent who is concerned for his development and happiness.  I know enough to be aware that daycare just isn’t the same.  The women at daycare are caring and conscientious, but they are not the same caregiver that a parent or grandparent would be.

Sometimes I’m angry at the universe, or God, or whomever decides the circumstances around our lives.  I wish Punky could stay with someone who loves him all day.  I see the bonds among the family where parent and grandparent caregivers are possible and I’m jealous.  My son deserves the best that life can offer.  He is smart and handsome and quick to smile, and he comes home from day care with sinus congestion, hand foot mouth disease, thrush, mystery scrapes, etc. and, sometimes, bleach stains on his clothes (day cares clean with bleach because they are cesspools of germs and disease).

A second kid would probably take away from what he has, which already doesn’t seem like enough.

And what if his sibling hates him?  My sister hates me – I don’t know why and it has been an enormous source of anxiety, pain, and frustration for me for the past 30 years.  I wouldn’t wish that on Punky, or anyone.  What if I take some of the time and focus I’ve reserved for Punky and devote it to another child, and then that other child replaces that time and focus with anger and bitterness?  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

A decision needs to be made.  Maybe next month.

George Costanza Nap

Posted on by

I am day dreaming about curling up under my desk and taking a George Costanza nap.

I’m not all that tired.  Punkie has been sleeping well.  We were forced to resort to “sleep training,” which sounds ridiculous to me and I suppose that’s a whole other post, but I think he is on the right path now.

I am stressed out.  So many things are weighing on me today, and I don’t have time for distractions.  I have 100 things to do before the end of the work day and I have my annual performance review this afternoon.  For me, stress is a parasite – it sucks the energy from me.  Stress makes me want a George Costanza nap.

First, the worry.  Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease.  Nobody?  Me either, until yesterday.  Apparently, it’s going around the kids in Punkie’s room at day care.  Two kids are out today, and Punkie is just not himself.  I’m on the look out for SORES in his mouth and BLISTERS on his adorable dimpled hands and feet.  Sores and blisters.  On my baby. What the hell?!  I called his pediatrician’s office and they said it’s common and benign and I shouldn’t worry.  But…SORES AND BLISTERS ON MY BABY.  I’m going to find some time this afternoon to visit Punkie, before my performance review, and see how he’s doing.

Second, the emotion. Today is Maggie’s birthday.  Maggie was my best friend for 16 years – a yellow lab who held my heart in her paws.  She died last August and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about her.  Today is her birthday and obviously, for the first time on 16 years, I’m not going to be getting her the usual birthday cheeseburger.  I know, I know…she’s a dog.  But she was incredibly important to me.  We went through a lot together – law school, bar exam, first job as a lawyer, moving, getting married, divorced, moving, getting married, and on and on.  She was my rock.

Third, the drama.  I am drama adverse – it freaks me the hell out.  Don’t run to me with your office politics and your “I dreamed you were mad at me” bullshit.  But, like so many other people, I have drama in my life that follows me wherever I go, without fail.  I don’t get along very well with my immediate family and that is the source of 98% of the drama in my life.  And today I am obsessing about it.  I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here, but will say that we’re having a big family get-together this weekend with my immediate family and my husband’s parents and that this has the potential to be a source of incredible drama.  By “incredible drama,” I mean a hydrogen bomb of drama dropped directly on my head.  But now I have a child and I don’t want him to grow up thinking that this is how things should be, or that his mother is a punching bag.   And I don’t want my husband’s family dragged into this stuff.  In addition to the feelings of drama dread, I am resentful that this is ruining my otherwise enjoyable long weekend.  I’ve been looking forward to this damn long weekend for months and now I am dreading it like a root canal.  And before you suggest that I find someone to work through this all with, please note that my therapist recently retired.

So, in summary:  Stress = parasite = no energy = George Castanza nap.

Maracas and Moth Balls

Posted on by

toy boxIt’s Monday morning and I have a very busy day of work ahead.  As I sit here putting together my to-do list for the week and listening to my co-worker clip his nails (G R O S S), I’m thinking about Punkie.

As a rule, Punkie hates Mondays.  But this Monday morning, he was happy.  He grinned and played and giggled all morning.  It was totally adorable and it made my heart feel 2 times bigger than usual.  I hope he avoids his Garfield ways for a long time.

I’m also thinking about our chipmunk problem.  We have a large collection of chipmunks who are determined to live under our house.  They’re causing property damage and frustrating me primarily because they know how to avoid my have-a-heart-trap while still eating the seeds I use as bait.  I asked my long-suffering husband to buy some moth balls because I read online that chipmunks can be deterred by the smell.  My husband put some moth balls outside on the ground around the chipmunk tunnels and WOW, that’s a strong smell!  Wowee!  You can smell moth balls all through the first floor of our house.

And I’m wondering if that will hurt Punkie.  None of the articles I’ve read to-date talk about the risk vs benefit of mothballs and your baby.  Where are all the articles about moth balls?  It’s not like Punkie is going near them, but . . . the smell.  Oh, the smell!

But it doesn’t seem to bother Punkie.  He wants to play with every toy we have.  He emptied the toy basket over and over and is so focused on the task.  It’s super cute, in my totally biased opinion.

And his favorite toy of all time is a maraca.  Yes, a maraca.

 

 

 

Baby Intuition

Posted on by

I have some weighty work-related issues on my mind this week.  Obviously, I can’t talk about those in a blog post, but they involve ethics and competing forces.

When I picked Punkie up at day care yesterday, he was content.  When I walked in, he was calm and “chatting” with one of the ladies in his room.  I picked Punkie up and greeted him and he was fine.  His daily “how he did today” note said he had a great day and was especially happy and smiling all day.  We began the drive home and he was quiet in the back seat.

During the drive, my mind wandered to my work issue and I felt the stress creep back in.  And Punkie began to cry.

He cried for the rest of the drive home.  He cried while I was unbuckling and talking to him.  He cried while I sang to him and rocked him.  He cried while he ate his banana and blueberry puree.  He cried in his Jumperoo.

He settled down only after he was seated on the floor with his toys and after I laid down on the floor next to him to relax.

I’m wondering – what did I do that upset him?  I didn’t really DO anything wrong – I talked and sang to him and we did our evening routine.

Can he pick up on my stress like a satellite dish?  Is there such a thing as baby intuition?

If so, that would be very bad news.  I am kind of a stress monster.  My job is stressful and my non-husband/non-Punkie family life is stressful.

Is Punkie doomed to stress-monsterdom?

 

Astraphobia, a Fear of Thunder

Posted on by

magsThere’s a thunder storm outside my window.  I have a pile of documents to review and revise and a to-do list that just won’t quit, but there is a storm.  And it makes me feel sad and anxious.

I might be more easily distracted than usual because we aren’t sleeping well these days.  Lately, Punkie wakes up 3 or 4 times a night.  We’re not sure what’s going on there, but we’re considering sleep training methods for the first time.

But what’s on my mind today is Maggie.  She was my best friend for 16 years, and I lost her when I was 5 months pregnant with Punkie.  That was 10 months ago and thinking about her still brings real tears to my eyes.  I loved her so much – she was my family.

Maggie was a gorgeous, mellow, and intelligent yellow lab.  She and I went through a lot together – law school, bar exams, too many moves to count, new jobs, a marriage, a divorce.  Career burnout.  Depression.         Recovery.             New happiness.

She was my rock.  There were some days when I don’t think I could have gotten out of bed had it not been for the fact that I had to take care of this beautiful creature who loved me unconditionally.

Maggie was terrified of thunder. Thunder was one of only three things that scared her – the other two were garbage trucks and fireworks, which seem understandable to me.

For 16 years, every time the thunder rolled in, Maggie would shake and cry.  If I could, I would rush home to comfort her.  If I saw storms in the forecast, I would close the curtains and turn up the radio and hope she couldn’t ‘t see or hear the storm.

I used to love storms as a kid.  I would sit on a porch or in the garage and watch the lightning.  But now, after so many years with my friend,when I see the first flash of light, I think “MAGGIE!” and my heart jumps in my chest.

I miss her.  I wish Punkie had been able to know her.

 

 

Nerds Rule!

Posted on by

I make no secret about the fact that I’m a nerd.  I’ve always been a nerd.  Who knew that all these years later, being nerdy could be celebrated.

I was telling my husband a while back that I really hope Punkie is a nerd too.  I think it’s the best way to go.  I didn’t really have any peer pressure.  My friends were busy, as I was, studying, reading books, and memorizing the dialogue in 80s movies.  To be honest, I don’t even know what the cool kids were doing with their time.  Did they party? Did they drink or shop lift?  I have no idea.  I was busy keeping shenanigans off of my permanent record.

Bill Gates was a nerd . . . I think he owns Seattle now.  Hell, he might own the entire State of Washington.

As a nerd, I honed some good skills – I developed a work ethic.  I figured out how to be liked just enough so I didn’t suffer on Freshman Friday (the Seniors would throw Nair and perfume and who knows what else all over various Freshmen).  I learned how to study and keep an open mind.  I participated in a lot of after school activities, which helped me identify the things I liked doing and the things I didn’t ever want to do again.  I learned to accept that I’m not a model and I will never look like one – to accept myself the way I am.  I learned how to tell self-deprecating jokes.

I ran across this article today:  http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/12/living/cool-kids-study-parents-duplicate-2/index.html?hpt=hp_bn11

It’s nice to have one’s instincts confirmed by science.  I’ve always liked science.

 

 

The Shoulder

Posted on by

I stopped at day care to see Punkie today.  I had a small chunk of time at lunchtime to spare and I thought, hey, I’d really like to see the little guy.  That toothless grin can really brighten my day.

I walked into day care and he was playing with a toy and staring at another baby with his back to the door.  I talked to him and he didn’t turn around.  I put my hand on his shoulder and said hey, Punkie, mommy’s here! And he didn’t turn around.  I picked up an enticing looking toy and shook it at him and touched his head and said, hi Punkie – how are you?  He didn’t turn around.

Seriously?

It wasn’t until I picked him up that he acknowledged that I was there and the smile was kind of lukewarm, if I’m being honest.

I guess he doesn’t miss me during the day.  I can take that guilt off my plate.

We played for a while – he was in a good mood.  He wanted to see everything and do everything and shake every rattle in the room.  He wanted to pull the sock off another baby’s foot, and he wanted to grab my glasses and pull my hair.

The ladies at day care call him Busy Bee – he has what the sorority pledges in college used to call “swivel head.”  He’s constantly aware of who is around him and what’s happening, with his head going back and forth all day.  I assume it’s for a different reason than the sorority pledges (they were required to greet all the sisters with some kind of greeting or face a dire consequence).  That is, except when mommy is there talking to him – then his head doesn’t swivel.

When I left, he played it cool – he just swiveled the other way without a concern.

I wish he was happier to see me.  Maybe it’s my ego (that sad, anemic ego of mine) that wants him to pine for me during the day.  Although, I am actually very glad that he’s content at day care.  It wasn’t long ago that I was feeling crushed under a tower of guilt for leaving him at day care all day.